Taking a Break

My husband and I have decided to take a break from the baby-making.

This was a hard decision to put on the brakes just as we were making progress towards figuring out what what wrong with my body, but this is the best decision for us.

I was beginning to slide down the slippery slope of depression and anxiety as more and more of my thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and priorities were becoming dangerously obsessed with fertility. I could see how I was letting negative thoughts and attitudes take over my life. I'm sure many of you had had the same thoughts or feelings...

Evil, untrue thoughts like:

I'm not worthy.

How come that girl/woman got a baby and she didn't even WANT one?

How come that person got their miracle and I am still waiting?

It must be my fault.

I am the reason my husband isn't blessed with children. He deserves them.

I failed as a wife because I can't produce off-spring.

I can't fulfill the Proverbs 31 wifely role if I don't have children.

I have no purpose in life if I'm not a mother.

Those thoughts are evil and were taking over my mind, heart and life! I saw myself slipping into being more focused on becoming a mother than just enjoying my role now as a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and an employee in a great field.

So, we are taking a break. I'm seeing a counselor to help me work through my emotions and reframe my thoughts into healthy, more life-giving positive thoughts. My husband and I are going to reclaim our romance and friendship - without calendars, doctor appointments, thermometers, or constant conversation about why, when, how.

If you are in a situation or trapped in these thoughts, please seek help from a counselor. Find an online support group or community. Reclaim yourself, your sexuality, and re-align your goals with your priorities.

And finally, (and I'm mostly talking to myself here), remember God loves you. He is a parent, and he understands our pain as women waiting to be united with our special children and babies. God also loves us a friend, lover, and intimate partner. He hurts when we hurt. Let us turn to him and simply say, "Help me. This is too much to bear alone."

I will still post items or Scripture I find encouraging during our break. We have no time line or goals in mind, but I will be constantly praying for physical and emotional healing, so I have confidence God will teach me during this time.

God bless and may you find peace!

Don't Stop Believin'

As I write this, I'm singing that line from the song... "Don't stop believing..."

Oh, how I love me some '80s music! The band Journey nailed it on the head with this lyric.

But today the song is a good reminder to me personally to keep on believing. This week, we got disappointing news about my body for our fertility journey. It is nothing that can't be corrected or overcome, but we have to wait a few months to see if my body heals itself or if medical intervention may be necessary.

At first, I was devastated. I called my husband and then my mother just in tears. I said, "It's all my fault that we're not pregnant!"

Thankfully, both my husband and my mother spoke Truth into my hurt and life. What is going on with my body is NOT my fault - it is merely my genetics and I'm only one in millions and millions of women that have this condition. So, no, not being pregnant at this moment is NOT my fault.

Then, God spoke Truth into my hurt and my heart. God's Truth is that He can overcome any obstacle. As a friend pointed out, God created our Savior Jesus in Mary's womb without any sperm!!!! If God can do that, God can certainly overcome the obstacles I am currently facing in our fertility journey. No amount of physical issues, stress/anxiety over work, or allergies can stop such a powerful God if He wants to place a child in my womb. Nothing!!!

I am believing God for a miracle. I am believing that God is all-powerful and merciful. This does not change if I get pregnant this month, or next, or next year, or heaven forbid... never. God will still be all-powerful, loving, and merciful whether or not a child grows within my body. But I am choosing to believe that He will allow this miracle to happen for me and that it will happen soon.

So, today, I will not stop believing.

Be comfortable "Not Knowing"

The months just keep on passing me by. Each month may be harder or easier depending on other circumstances in life. I feel as though I've had some emotional breakthroughs and may be starting to understand myself, my reactions, and my weaknesses just a little bit better.

We've heard of so many friends and former friends getting pregnant recently. All the pregnancies happened very, very easily for each woman. It is hard not to feel jealousy, judgement, bitterness, anger, or hurt. I accept those emotions as they come, but the trick is to not dwell on those emotions.

I recently read a great chapter in Joyce Meyer's book, Do Yourself a Favor... Forgive. A section of the chapter was titled: Are you angry at God?

*raises hand*

Yes, I am angry at God. I am angry that He has not blessed me in the way I've been desiring since I was 6 years old and all I wanted to be when I grew up was a "mommy." I am angry He gives this blessing to others and leaves my arms empty. I am angry at myself that I am angry at God. I am angry that some days I feel that I can't move past the anger or pray about anything other than myself and this desire to become a mother. Ugh! Why am I so selfish? Who am I to think I have the right or ability to tell God what to do??!! Who am I to decide who else "deserves" a baby or not?

But back to the chapter. Joyce Meyer writes this about giving up our need to understand, rationalize, justify, or know WHY to the hard questions of life (why bad things happen to good people, why there is war or strife or injustice):

"We can know His [God's] character and put our trust in His faithfulness to always be with us, but we cannot understand everything God does, or does not do. Faith means that we believe in what we cannot see and often cannot understand. We have faith while we wait for the unveiling of these mysteries, and if we are honest, we realize that some of these answers may not come to us as long as we are here on this earth. God asks us to trust Him, and there is no need for trust if we have no unanswered questions. Before we can be content in life we must be comfortable "not knowing." "

Be comfortable not knowing??? What a genius, freeing idea! Just in the hours since reading that line, I have felt such a lightness and comfort. I feel more secure. I tell God that I trust Him. I tell God that I relinquish my desire to know and understand why.

It's amazing how refreshing this feeling is. Giving up my desire to understand and question God why... it's a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day battle. But I won't give up. I want to embrace the joys I DO have during this time in my life. I want to give myself permission to be comfortable not knowing the answers of why or when or who. I want to be comfortable just being.

Trusting the "Man of Sorrows"

Trust.

The word sounds so easy. Trust someone else to not let you down. Then, naturally, they let you down. They are human and you probably had unrealistic expectations for them. So, if people always let you dow, who CAN you trust? I'm writing not just about trust between friends, between spouses, or even co-workers. I'm writing about trusting Someone with your deepest fears, hopes, dreams, desires, and ugliest thoughts and behaviors. If you're anything like me, you may have struggled with the thought "If that person knew the real me, they wouldn't love me anymore" or any similar version of that phrase. I struggle with that thought constantly in all areas of my life because of the abandonment I experienced early in life. However, God can redeem those thoughts and fears!!!!

Trust.

It's what I've been struggling with the most this month. Trusting God to hear my prayers. To answer my prayers. To work out some uncomfortable, awkward, undesirable situations. To solve my problems. To grant my deepest desires. The good news? God answered with this: "Not yet." God did not solve any of my problems. God did not provide any outlets or answers. God did not allow any promises to be fulfilled.

Just when I was about to despair, my daily devotion led me to Isaiah 53:1-6. This is one Old Testament prophecy of the Messiah who would redeem the Israelites and free them from the old laws and sacrifices to atone for sins. The Messiah would be the final sacrifice - atoning for all sins for all people for all time.

But the verse that struck me, and the theme of the devotion, was Isaiah 53: 4a that states, "Surely he took up our infirmities (sins, transgressions) and carried our sorrows." What this means is that Jesus as the Messiah lived a fully human life, experiencing every temptation and grief that we experience today. He had parents, siblings, friends, and co-workers. He experienced temptations to be disappointed in others, have arguments with others, and experience grief when he lost a friendship or a family member. You name it, Jesus has experienced it as a human. So Isaiah 53:4a tells me that Jesus, fully human and fully God, has known my sorrows. My deepest, darkest, intensely personal sorrows. So, why do I hesitate to give over or lay down my sorrows to Him? Why do I (and maybe you, reader) continue to wrap myself in my sorrows and disappointments instead of letting Jesus carry them for me?

William Paul Young, author of The Shack, phrases it well: The Holy Spirit tells Mack -

"You must give up your right to decide what is good and evil on your own terms. That is a hard pill to swallow- choosing to live only in me. To do that, you must know me enough to trust me and learn to rest in my inherent goodness." (italics added)

Whoa. Mind blown! I don't trust God with some things (my sorrows, my hurts over infertility, my evil thoughts of jealousy and "why is life unfair?"), so that.... that must mean... I don't know God!

It means I don't know God as fully and honestly as I desire to and the way God desires for me to know Him/Her/Them. Armed with the conviction that my lack of trust probably stems from a lack of intimate knowledge of God, I know where to start. I want to get to know this Man of Sorrows as someone who knows my heartache but who is also inherently good and working for my good.

In The Shack, God the Father tells Mack -

"Mack, just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I needed it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."

I thought that was a great reminder that God does not cause the bad things that happen on the earth, but God can certainly redeem the situation (and us) through grace. God is NOT sitting in heaven plotting suffering for us like an evil game master. No. God is present in our hearts and waiting for us to let grace redeem our situations and work good out of the tragedies caused by our own sin and choices and unfortunate earthly circumstances.

My desire is to know this God better so that I may trust Him completely and fully. I'm sure it will take work just as any relationship takes work. But I'm willing to do the work knowing that this God, this Man of Sorrows, has already done the hardest, most important part of the work for me - sacrificing Himself to grant me entrance into His grace and glory!!

Lessons and Warnings from Sarah and Rachel

If you're a Christian woman, you have heard or read countless sermons on the faith of Sarah and Rachel. These women in the Old Testament can teach us many great lessons. Many teach on the faith of these women as they wait for their blessings of giving birth to a son. But not many sermons are given on the lesson of each woman, who in her zeal to be a mother and earn her husband's respect and affections, allowed her husband to conceive a child with her maidservant. Oh, the drama that follows!!! So yes, learn from Sarah and Rachel's faith and blessing, but also be warned of their folly.

You can find Sarah's story in Genesis16-18:15 and 20-23. Many people give sermons on how faithful Sarah was to wait until she was in her 90s to give birth to Isaac, the son who began to fulfill the promise that Abraham's descendants would be a numerous as the stars in the sky (Genesis 15:5). However, let's not gloss over the fact that before she knew better, in her impatience and distrust of God's promise and clearly laid out plan (Genesis 18:10), Sarah decided to take matters into her own hands. In Genesis 16, we know that Sarah (then Sarai) allowed her husband to conceive a child with Sarah's maid. That caused a whole world of hurt, emotional pain, and marital problems to be sure. Sarah got impatient and tried to rush God's plan. Years later, when God visited Abraham and Sarah in the form of three visitors, Sarah still lacked faith to the point she laughed at the prophecy that she would conceive (Genesis 18).

Points to learn from Sarah:

1) Try to not be so consumed the desire to have a child that you put your marriage at risk.

2) Exclude those who are not needed on your journey to parenthood. The exceptions being your doctors and maybe close friends, prayer partners, or a family member. Not everyone needs to be involved or need to know the details.

3) WAIT. Proverbs 19:2 (NIV) states, "It is not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the way." In your time of waiting, gather knowledge and seek God's wisdom on the path He would have you pursue.


From Rachel, we learn some of the same lessons. I identify a lot with Rachel; I waited years after most of my friends were married to get married. I had to wait until both my husband and I were made ready by God. If we had been married at a young age, it would have been a disaster! However, God knew what he was doing to make us wait. We see the same patience, timing, and great love in the story of Jacob and Rachel (Genesis 29-30). Jacob had to wait 14 years to marry the love of his life!!! However, Jacob and Rachel had to continue to wait to conceive a child.  Here again, we see Rachel allowing her husband to conceive a child with another woman (2 women if you remember that Rachel was Jacob's second wife). Again, drama! I understand that modern women would not necessarily allow their husbands to cheat, but we do have the medical advantage of using surrogacy, egg donation, and adoption.

But here are the points to learn from Rachel:

1) Carefully pray and prepare for the emotions that will accompany surrogacy, egg donation, and adoption. Seek out a counselor to begin to face the emotions that may arise. The emotions are normal, but should not be ignored.

2) Be aware of jealousy. Genesis 30:1 - "When Rachel saw that she was not bearing Jacob any children, she became jealous of her sister. So she said to Jacob, 'Give me children or I will die!'" The argument that followed ended in an extramarital affair and heartbreak... and another delay in Rachel conceiving her own child.

3) Remember that God is all-powerful. Genesis 30:22 - "Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and opened her womb."

Even when we take matters into our own hands, when we become impatient, when we rush to make decisions without knowledge but only faulty human emotions, God can fix all of the problems that arise. From both Sarah and Rachel we see two very clear examples of how NOT to wait. BUT, the good news is, that even though both women made mistakes in their times of waiting, their prayers were still heard by God and they were blessed with sons.

In your time of waiting, attempt to "wait well." Seek knowledge. Go to doctors. Pray. Take care of your health. Invest in your marriage. But also know that God has called you to a time of waiting. Try not to rush through it (I'm preaching to myself here). Look around. Don't be hasty. Learn the lesson God is teaching you and learn it well. Learn from other women how to wait, what to do in the meantime, and how to avoid their mistakes.

Most of all, take comfort that God loves you and hears you. Wait for Him.

It's Time to Talk about "It"

I never thought this would be my journey. I never thought I would wait so long to get married, only to have to wait again to become a mother.

I told myself, "You're a good person. You weren't sexually active until marriage. You don't do drugs. You're employed and stable. You're healthy. You're married to a good man. You're a good person. You deserve a baby."

Wrong.

I was so, so wrong. I am all of those things, but I was still asked to go on this journey. I selfishly prayed that God would not make me and my husband walk this road. I begged, pleaded, and tried to make a deal with God after the first month of trying to conceive was unsuccessful.

I was scared of this road. I saw what this journey of infertility had done to someone I love deeply. After almost four years of trying to conceive, I've watched her heart break numerous times; I watched her try to cope with little success, and I watched her isolate herself from family and friends because of her hurt and disappointment. I was terrified of being the same way if God asked me to face infertility.

Now that God has definitely asked us to face infertility after 12 months of trying to conceive, I choose to face this journey with HOPE and DIGNITY. I cannot change the plan for my life. I cannot make or earn a child. I can, however, be hopeful and advocate for my health and my husband's health. I can learn all I can about what we are facing and find a doctor who is supportive, knowledgeable, and wise.

No one knows why some of us face the journey of infertility. I have wasted countless hours comparing myself to friends, celebrities, strangers and wondering why they "got" a baby and my arms are still empty. I judge and make value statements about why some woman who is unmarried, unemployed, and uneducated "gets" a baby while good women like myself and women I love cry ourselves to sleep each month as proof appears that another month has gone by without our dreams coming true.

And that's when I heard God's voice like a quite, gentle whisper to my soul:

One month closer.

Each month that I lose hope, scream and yell at the Creator of the universe for disappointing me again, comfort myself with junk food or a glass of wine, or cry in my husband's arms, I choose to believe that I am one month closer. I am one month closer to my destiny, my dream, my purpose, my promise.

So, it's time to talk about it. I know that God has a plan and purpose for my life. I know that if His Will is for me to walk the road of infertility, He has an amazing end result. I realize (read dread) that the result will be that I may never be a mother. However, I also realize that it is my duty as a human, friend, sister, daughter, and woman to help others. I want to encourage other women who experience what I do, feel as I feel, hurt as I hurt, cry as I cry, and persist to dare to dream and hope each month. I want to be honest and open about my journey, as much as I feel is appropriate, so that in some small way other women and couples on this journey may be encouraged.

I won't be giving intimate details of my journey with doctors, appointments, or strategies to conceive. There are plenty of great blogs who give those details, as well as wonderful support groups and websites who offer support and resources. I want this to be more of an emotional support and outlet - for myself and for those of you who may read this. I want this blog to be a source of hope, peace, and encouragement no matter the end result of the journey.

Be encouraged, my fellow travelers. This road is hard, lonely, scary, disappointing, consuming, depressing, and something we wouldn't wish on our worst enemy. But we can cling to hope. We can make the conscious choice to be hopeful, happy, and joyful along the journey.