It's Time to Talk about "It"

I never thought this would be my journey. I never thought I would wait so long to get married, only to have to wait again to become a mother.

I told myself, "You're a good person. You weren't sexually active until marriage. You don't do drugs. You're employed and stable. You're healthy. You're married to a good man. You're a good person. You deserve a baby."

Wrong.

I was so, so wrong. I am all of those things, but I was still asked to go on this journey. I selfishly prayed that God would not make me and my husband walk this road. I begged, pleaded, and tried to make a deal with God after the first month of trying to conceive was unsuccessful.

I was scared of this road. I saw what this journey of infertility had done to someone I love deeply. After almost four years of trying to conceive, I've watched her heart break numerous times; I watched her try to cope with little success, and I watched her isolate herself from family and friends because of her hurt and disappointment. I was terrified of being the same way if God asked me to face infertility.

Now that God has definitely asked us to face infertility after 12 months of trying to conceive, I choose to face this journey with HOPE and DIGNITY. I cannot change the plan for my life. I cannot make or earn a child. I can, however, be hopeful and advocate for my health and my husband's health. I can learn all I can about what we are facing and find a doctor who is supportive, knowledgeable, and wise.

No one knows why some of us face the journey of infertility. I have wasted countless hours comparing myself to friends, celebrities, strangers and wondering why they "got" a baby and my arms are still empty. I judge and make value statements about why some woman who is unmarried, unemployed, and uneducated "gets" a baby while good women like myself and women I love cry ourselves to sleep each month as proof appears that another month has gone by without our dreams coming true.

And that's when I heard God's voice like a quite, gentle whisper to my soul:

One month closer.

Each month that I lose hope, scream and yell at the Creator of the universe for disappointing me again, comfort myself with junk food or a glass of wine, or cry in my husband's arms, I choose to believe that I am one month closer. I am one month closer to my destiny, my dream, my purpose, my promise.

So, it's time to talk about it. I know that God has a plan and purpose for my life. I know that if His Will is for me to walk the road of infertility, He has an amazing end result. I realize (read dread) that the result will be that I may never be a mother. However, I also realize that it is my duty as a human, friend, sister, daughter, and woman to help others. I want to encourage other women who experience what I do, feel as I feel, hurt as I hurt, cry as I cry, and persist to dare to dream and hope each month. I want to be honest and open about my journey, as much as I feel is appropriate, so that in some small way other women and couples on this journey may be encouraged.

I won't be giving intimate details of my journey with doctors, appointments, or strategies to conceive. There are plenty of great blogs who give those details, as well as wonderful support groups and websites who offer support and resources. I want this to be more of an emotional support and outlet - for myself and for those of you who may read this. I want this blog to be a source of hope, peace, and encouragement no matter the end result of the journey.

Be encouraged, my fellow travelers. This road is hard, lonely, scary, disappointing, consuming, depressing, and something we wouldn't wish on our worst enemy. But we can cling to hope. We can make the conscious choice to be hopeful, happy, and joyful along the journey.