Be comfortable "Not Knowing"

The months just keep on passing me by. Each month may be harder or easier depending on other circumstances in life. I feel as though I've had some emotional breakthroughs and may be starting to understand myself, my reactions, and my weaknesses just a little bit better.

We've heard of so many friends and former friends getting pregnant recently. All the pregnancies happened very, very easily for each woman. It is hard not to feel jealousy, judgement, bitterness, anger, or hurt. I accept those emotions as they come, but the trick is to not dwell on those emotions.

I recently read a great chapter in Joyce Meyer's book, Do Yourself a Favor... Forgive. A section of the chapter was titled: Are you angry at God?

*raises hand*

Yes, I am angry at God. I am angry that He has not blessed me in the way I've been desiring since I was 6 years old and all I wanted to be when I grew up was a "mommy." I am angry He gives this blessing to others and leaves my arms empty. I am angry at myself that I am angry at God. I am angry that some days I feel that I can't move past the anger or pray about anything other than myself and this desire to become a mother. Ugh! Why am I so selfish? Who am I to think I have the right or ability to tell God what to do??!! Who am I to decide who else "deserves" a baby or not?

But back to the chapter. Joyce Meyer writes this about giving up our need to understand, rationalize, justify, or know WHY to the hard questions of life (why bad things happen to good people, why there is war or strife or injustice):

"We can know His [God's] character and put our trust in His faithfulness to always be with us, but we cannot understand everything God does, or does not do. Faith means that we believe in what we cannot see and often cannot understand. We have faith while we wait for the unveiling of these mysteries, and if we are honest, we realize that some of these answers may not come to us as long as we are here on this earth. God asks us to trust Him, and there is no need for trust if we have no unanswered questions. Before we can be content in life we must be comfortable "not knowing." "

Be comfortable not knowing??? What a genius, freeing idea! Just in the hours since reading that line, I have felt such a lightness and comfort. I feel more secure. I tell God that I trust Him. I tell God that I relinquish my desire to know and understand why.

It's amazing how refreshing this feeling is. Giving up my desire to understand and question God why... it's a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day battle. But I won't give up. I want to embrace the joys I DO have during this time in my life. I want to give myself permission to be comfortable not knowing the answers of why or when or who. I want to be comfortable just being.