Taking a Break

My husband and I have decided to take a break from the baby-making.

This was a hard decision to put on the brakes just as we were making progress towards figuring out what what wrong with my body, but this is the best decision for us.

I was beginning to slide down the slippery slope of depression and anxiety as more and more of my thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and priorities were becoming dangerously obsessed with fertility. I could see how I was letting negative thoughts and attitudes take over my life. I'm sure many of you had had the same thoughts or feelings...

Evil, untrue thoughts like:

I'm not worthy.

How come that girl/woman got a baby and she didn't even WANT one?

How come that person got their miracle and I am still waiting?

It must be my fault.

I am the reason my husband isn't blessed with children. He deserves them.

I failed as a wife because I can't produce off-spring.

I can't fulfill the Proverbs 31 wifely role if I don't have children.

I have no purpose in life if I'm not a mother.

Those thoughts are evil and were taking over my mind, heart and life! I saw myself slipping into being more focused on becoming a mother than just enjoying my role now as a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and an employee in a great field.

So, we are taking a break. I'm seeing a counselor to help me work through my emotions and reframe my thoughts into healthy, more life-giving positive thoughts. My husband and I are going to reclaim our romance and friendship - without calendars, doctor appointments, thermometers, or constant conversation about why, when, how.

If you are in a situation or trapped in these thoughts, please seek help from a counselor. Find an online support group or community. Reclaim yourself, your sexuality, and re-align your goals with your priorities.

And finally, (and I'm mostly talking to myself here), remember God loves you. He is a parent, and he understands our pain as women waiting to be united with our special children and babies. God also loves us a friend, lover, and intimate partner. He hurts when we hurt. Let us turn to him and simply say, "Help me. This is too much to bear alone."

I will still post items or Scripture I find encouraging during our break. We have no time line or goals in mind, but I will be constantly praying for physical and emotional healing, so I have confidence God will teach me during this time.

God bless and may you find peace!

Don't Stop Believin'

As I write this, I'm singing that line from the song... "Don't stop believing..."

Oh, how I love me some '80s music! The band Journey nailed it on the head with this lyric.

But today the song is a good reminder to me personally to keep on believing. This week, we got disappointing news about my body for our fertility journey. It is nothing that can't be corrected or overcome, but we have to wait a few months to see if my body heals itself or if medical intervention may be necessary.

At first, I was devastated. I called my husband and then my mother just in tears. I said, "It's all my fault that we're not pregnant!"

Thankfully, both my husband and my mother spoke Truth into my hurt and life. What is going on with my body is NOT my fault - it is merely my genetics and I'm only one in millions and millions of women that have this condition. So, no, not being pregnant at this moment is NOT my fault.

Then, God spoke Truth into my hurt and my heart. God's Truth is that He can overcome any obstacle. As a friend pointed out, God created our Savior Jesus in Mary's womb without any sperm!!!! If God can do that, God can certainly overcome the obstacles I am currently facing in our fertility journey. No amount of physical issues, stress/anxiety over work, or allergies can stop such a powerful God if He wants to place a child in my womb. Nothing!!!

I am believing God for a miracle. I am believing that God is all-powerful and merciful. This does not change if I get pregnant this month, or next, or next year, or heaven forbid... never. God will still be all-powerful, loving, and merciful whether or not a child grows within my body. But I am choosing to believe that He will allow this miracle to happen for me and that it will happen soon.

So, today, I will not stop believing.