Poem: Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

“Thoughts on Becoming a Mother”

There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation
are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my little child.
I will take time to watch her sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of her cry,
knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed her
and not waking to a cry of broken dream, for my DREAM will be crying for me.
I consider myself lucky in this sense;
that God has given me insight, this special vision
with which I will look upon her unlike any one else.
I will NOT be careless of my LOVE.
I have been trialed by fire and hell that others may have faced,
yet given time, and 9 months, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
When I see others hurt around me,
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better,
I can make it less lonely.
I have learned that immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth
and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate my life.

-------------AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Facebook is dangerous... for me.

I haven't been on Facebook is many, many moons. I can't.

I. Just. Can't.

I can't look at peoples' photos of babies, toddlers, pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, postpartum body announcements, baby showers, etc.

I. Just. Can't.

I truly believe Facebook has become dangerous ground for all of society: for the teenagers who are prey for the sex predators, for the kids who get bullied, for the senior citizens who get scammed, for the jobs lost, friendships destroyed, marriages dissolved.

What good comes from passively looking in on someone else's life? Nothing. Nothing good can come from it. Do you know what does result from stalking others on Facebook?

Jealousy.

Envy.

Strife.

Lies.

Brokenness.

Superficiality.

Hearts broken, homes destroyed, families ruined.

Oh, you may be saying to yourself, "Whoa there, Nelly. It's isn't all that bad! Why just last week I saw photos of my cousin's graduation from high school!"

That's all well and good. I suppose. But when did we as a society become so obsessed with everyone else around us? Sure, we as humans have always felt the need to compete with each other; we feel the need to show how "good" our lives are to impress others, to gain admiration, to get praise, to be envied.

In the end, what good has looking at someone's life done for your life?

So, it was my choice to delete my Facebook account that I had had for 8 years. My husband soon followed suit after our miscarriage and my health scare. He was tired of our superficial friends who seemed to care more about posting photos of their kids online than actually "parenting" those same kids or making memories with their kids. (Side rant: What the eff good do you think putting photos of your kids online is POSSIBLY going to do for them in the future?)

I'm not saying that everyone should delete Facebook. There are still some worthwhile activities that can be done on the site. However, when those good activities begin to diminish in number and are replaced with feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, envy, anger, strife, etc., it may be time to shut that website down.

No one but our immediate family and friends know how our infertility and miscarriage. No one else needs to know. Just like no one else will need to know if I do get pregnant and carry to full term. NO one is going to care if I posted a monthly "belly pic" as a pregnancy progressed. If they did... well, they probably aren't my friend anyways.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that by focusing so much on watching other peoples' lives online, we as a society have become even more dangerously obsessed with our own online appearance. How much time a day do you spend on Facebook? How much time a day do you spend THINKING about Facebook: what you will post, what photo collage you can make from Instagram, etc. How much of your time is devoted to a website? Seriously. Think about it. Unless you are Mark Zuckerberg or one of his employees, you probably are spending too much time on Facebook and letting yourself be consumed by it.

I know my opinion is not going to be well received by most; even some of my very best friends who are those same friends who shove their kids down your NewsFeed in 17 minutes increments.

I don't care. Maybe get off the computer for 10 minutes and take some time in reality. Judge for yourself. Question for yourself. Think for yourself. Try not looking around for an intangible object for your fulfillment, approval, excitement, memories, etc. I guarantee you that you will be pleasantly surprised.

Facebook is dangerous... for me. Maybe for all of us.

The 30th Milestone

Wow. It's February 2014. My thirtieth birthday is quickly approaching. The last few weeks, I've been facing the emotions and thoughts that come along with any milestone birthday for me:

Who am I?

Who do I want to be?

Where do I want to go in life?

etc.

The main question I am struggling with these days is, "Do I like myself?" As in, do I truly like and love myself? Me. The whole package. The flaws. The imperfections. Sense of humor. Looks. Personality.

Barren.

Oh. That. Word. It tears at the deepest part of me. My soul's desire and longing. My deepest wish and highest goal. Barren. It means I haven't achieved my goal. My deepest wish is unfulfilled. My heart continues to long for what it does not have... may never have.

My birthday brings up our loss in September at 4 weeks, 5 days. I knew I was a mother for 7 days. I knew in my heart that my child grew in my womb. I knew the day the bleeding started that my child had already gone to be with Jesus. Some people call this a "chemical pregnancy." I know it to be a miscarriage. My child was conceived, but I could not keep him or her within me. I feel the loss more keenly at holidays and milestones. I feel the loss like a cold wind hitting my face every time a friend talks about her baby, sends me a photo of a baby, or makes a comment about how tired they are from chasing a toddler.

What I wouldn't give to have those moments! To hold my baby in my arms... just ONCE. To have looked upon his/her face and told her how much she was wanted, loved, prayed for, cried out to God for. What I wouldn't give to feel his heavy warmth in my arms and his little head on my chest. What I wouldn't give to be sleep deprived, physically exhausted, and emotionally drained from loving this little person so much.

Alas, I did not get that moment with my precious little one. Instead, I face the milestone of turning 30 as a woman left out to drift in a cold, lonely world of infertility, with only my husband and my God to keep me anchored.

And now, I am at a crossroads. Do I keep trying for another miracle when my husband is exhausted from the infertility journey and of watching my heart break month after month? Do I explore the adoption we cannot afford? Do I deny my heart's desire and give up on a God who has seemed to given up on me? Do I keep crying out to God and pushing for my miracle and walk in faith? Do I let this infertility define me? Do I let my loss become a talisman around my neck to weigh me down?

I don't know the answers to these questions. I don't know on which side of the coin I will fall. I know that turning 30 means my husband and I have reached a time limit we set for ourselves to "try" to become parents. Is now the time to move on? Will I regret any decision I make?

So many questions! So much time has passed, so much time lies ahead. This milestone of my 30th year approaches quickly, with yet another monthly reminder of my failures/heartbreak/tears.

Holy Father, may my words and the silent cries of my heart and the tears falling on my hands clasped in prayer, be my prayer to you. Holy Spirit, intercede for me as the groanings of my heart have no words. Lord Jesus, please don't give up on me. I am doing my best to not give up on You. Have mercy upon me. Let Your grace sustain me. Please bless my body, my womb, my marriage, my doctors. Please hold my little one safe in your arms and tell her/him that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. Amen.