Poem: Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

“Thoughts on Becoming a Mother”

There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation
are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my little child.
I will take time to watch her sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of her cry,
knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed her
and not waking to a cry of broken dream, for my DREAM will be crying for me.
I consider myself lucky in this sense;
that God has given me insight, this special vision
with which I will look upon her unlike any one else.
I will NOT be careless of my LOVE.
I have been trialed by fire and hell that others may have faced,
yet given time, and 9 months, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
When I see others hurt around me,
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better,
I can make it less lonely.
I have learned that immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth
and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate my life.

-------------AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Facebook is dangerous... for me.

I haven't been on Facebook is many, many moons. I can't.

I. Just. Can't.

I can't look at peoples' photos of babies, toddlers, pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, postpartum body announcements, baby showers, etc.

I. Just. Can't.

I truly believe Facebook has become dangerous ground for all of society: for the teenagers who are prey for the sex predators, for the kids who get bullied, for the senior citizens who get scammed, for the jobs lost, friendships destroyed, marriages dissolved.

What good comes from passively looking in on someone else's life? Nothing. Nothing good can come from it. Do you know what does result from stalking others on Facebook?

Jealousy.

Envy.

Strife.

Lies.

Brokenness.

Superficiality.

Hearts broken, homes destroyed, families ruined.

Oh, you may be saying to yourself, "Whoa there, Nelly. It's isn't all that bad! Why just last week I saw photos of my cousin's graduation from high school!"

That's all well and good. I suppose. But when did we as a society become so obsessed with everyone else around us? Sure, we as humans have always felt the need to compete with each other; we feel the need to show how "good" our lives are to impress others, to gain admiration, to get praise, to be envied.

In the end, what good has looking at someone's life done for your life?

So, it was my choice to delete my Facebook account that I had had for 8 years. My husband soon followed suit after our miscarriage and my health scare. He was tired of our superficial friends who seemed to care more about posting photos of their kids online than actually "parenting" those same kids or making memories with their kids. (Side rant: What the eff good do you think putting photos of your kids online is POSSIBLY going to do for them in the future?)

I'm not saying that everyone should delete Facebook. There are still some worthwhile activities that can be done on the site. However, when those good activities begin to diminish in number and are replaced with feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, envy, anger, strife, etc., it may be time to shut that website down.

No one but our immediate family and friends know how our infertility and miscarriage. No one else needs to know. Just like no one else will need to know if I do get pregnant and carry to full term. NO one is going to care if I posted a monthly "belly pic" as a pregnancy progressed. If they did... well, they probably aren't my friend anyways.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that by focusing so much on watching other peoples' lives online, we as a society have become even more dangerously obsessed with our own online appearance. How much time a day do you spend on Facebook? How much time a day do you spend THINKING about Facebook: what you will post, what photo collage you can make from Instagram, etc. How much of your time is devoted to a website? Seriously. Think about it. Unless you are Mark Zuckerberg or one of his employees, you probably are spending too much time on Facebook and letting yourself be consumed by it.

I know my opinion is not going to be well received by most; even some of my very best friends who are those same friends who shove their kids down your NewsFeed in 17 minutes increments.

I don't care. Maybe get off the computer for 10 minutes and take some time in reality. Judge for yourself. Question for yourself. Think for yourself. Try not looking around for an intangible object for your fulfillment, approval, excitement, memories, etc. I guarantee you that you will be pleasantly surprised.

Facebook is dangerous... for me. Maybe for all of us.

The 30th Milestone

Wow. It's February 2014. My thirtieth birthday is quickly approaching. The last few weeks, I've been facing the emotions and thoughts that come along with any milestone birthday for me:

Who am I?

Who do I want to be?

Where do I want to go in life?

etc.

The main question I am struggling with these days is, "Do I like myself?" As in, do I truly like and love myself? Me. The whole package. The flaws. The imperfections. Sense of humor. Looks. Personality.

Barren.

Oh. That. Word. It tears at the deepest part of me. My soul's desire and longing. My deepest wish and highest goal. Barren. It means I haven't achieved my goal. My deepest wish is unfulfilled. My heart continues to long for what it does not have... may never have.

My birthday brings up our loss in September at 4 weeks, 5 days. I knew I was a mother for 7 days. I knew in my heart that my child grew in my womb. I knew the day the bleeding started that my child had already gone to be with Jesus. Some people call this a "chemical pregnancy." I know it to be a miscarriage. My child was conceived, but I could not keep him or her within me. I feel the loss more keenly at holidays and milestones. I feel the loss like a cold wind hitting my face every time a friend talks about her baby, sends me a photo of a baby, or makes a comment about how tired they are from chasing a toddler.

What I wouldn't give to have those moments! To hold my baby in my arms... just ONCE. To have looked upon his/her face and told her how much she was wanted, loved, prayed for, cried out to God for. What I wouldn't give to feel his heavy warmth in my arms and his little head on my chest. What I wouldn't give to be sleep deprived, physically exhausted, and emotionally drained from loving this little person so much.

Alas, I did not get that moment with my precious little one. Instead, I face the milestone of turning 30 as a woman left out to drift in a cold, lonely world of infertility, with only my husband and my God to keep me anchored.

And now, I am at a crossroads. Do I keep trying for another miracle when my husband is exhausted from the infertility journey and of watching my heart break month after month? Do I explore the adoption we cannot afford? Do I deny my heart's desire and give up on a God who has seemed to given up on me? Do I keep crying out to God and pushing for my miracle and walk in faith? Do I let this infertility define me? Do I let my loss become a talisman around my neck to weigh me down?

I don't know the answers to these questions. I don't know on which side of the coin I will fall. I know that turning 30 means my husband and I have reached a time limit we set for ourselves to "try" to become parents. Is now the time to move on? Will I regret any decision I make?

So many questions! So much time has passed, so much time lies ahead. This milestone of my 30th year approaches quickly, with yet another monthly reminder of my failures/heartbreak/tears.

Holy Father, may my words and the silent cries of my heart and the tears falling on my hands clasped in prayer, be my prayer to you. Holy Spirit, intercede for me as the groanings of my heart have no words. Lord Jesus, please don't give up on me. I am doing my best to not give up on You. Have mercy upon me. Let Your grace sustain me. Please bless my body, my womb, my marriage, my doctors. Please hold my little one safe in your arms and tell her/him that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. Amen.

Taking a Break

My husband and I have decided to take a break from the baby-making.

This was a hard decision to put on the brakes just as we were making progress towards figuring out what what wrong with my body, but this is the best decision for us.

I was beginning to slide down the slippery slope of depression and anxiety as more and more of my thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and priorities were becoming dangerously obsessed with fertility. I could see how I was letting negative thoughts and attitudes take over my life. I'm sure many of you had had the same thoughts or feelings...

Evil, untrue thoughts like:

I'm not worthy.

How come that girl/woman got a baby and she didn't even WANT one?

How come that person got their miracle and I am still waiting?

It must be my fault.

I am the reason my husband isn't blessed with children. He deserves them.

I failed as a wife because I can't produce off-spring.

I can't fulfill the Proverbs 31 wifely role if I don't have children.

I have no purpose in life if I'm not a mother.

Those thoughts are evil and were taking over my mind, heart and life! I saw myself slipping into being more focused on becoming a mother than just enjoying my role now as a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and an employee in a great field.

So, we are taking a break. I'm seeing a counselor to help me work through my emotions and reframe my thoughts into healthy, more life-giving positive thoughts. My husband and I are going to reclaim our romance and friendship - without calendars, doctor appointments, thermometers, or constant conversation about why, when, how.

If you are in a situation or trapped in these thoughts, please seek help from a counselor. Find an online support group or community. Reclaim yourself, your sexuality, and re-align your goals with your priorities.

And finally, (and I'm mostly talking to myself here), remember God loves you. He is a parent, and he understands our pain as women waiting to be united with our special children and babies. God also loves us a friend, lover, and intimate partner. He hurts when we hurt. Let us turn to him and simply say, "Help me. This is too much to bear alone."

I will still post items or Scripture I find encouraging during our break. We have no time line or goals in mind, but I will be constantly praying for physical and emotional healing, so I have confidence God will teach me during this time.

God bless and may you find peace!

Don't Stop Believin'

As I write this, I'm singing that line from the song... "Don't stop believing..."

Oh, how I love me some '80s music! The band Journey nailed it on the head with this lyric.

But today the song is a good reminder to me personally to keep on believing. This week, we got disappointing news about my body for our fertility journey. It is nothing that can't be corrected or overcome, but we have to wait a few months to see if my body heals itself or if medical intervention may be necessary.

At first, I was devastated. I called my husband and then my mother just in tears. I said, "It's all my fault that we're not pregnant!"

Thankfully, both my husband and my mother spoke Truth into my hurt and life. What is going on with my body is NOT my fault - it is merely my genetics and I'm only one in millions and millions of women that have this condition. So, no, not being pregnant at this moment is NOT my fault.

Then, God spoke Truth into my hurt and my heart. God's Truth is that He can overcome any obstacle. As a friend pointed out, God created our Savior Jesus in Mary's womb without any sperm!!!! If God can do that, God can certainly overcome the obstacles I am currently facing in our fertility journey. No amount of physical issues, stress/anxiety over work, or allergies can stop such a powerful God if He wants to place a child in my womb. Nothing!!!

I am believing God for a miracle. I am believing that God is all-powerful and merciful. This does not change if I get pregnant this month, or next, or next year, or heaven forbid... never. God will still be all-powerful, loving, and merciful whether or not a child grows within my body. But I am choosing to believe that He will allow this miracle to happen for me and that it will happen soon.

So, today, I will not stop believing.

Be comfortable "Not Knowing"

The months just keep on passing me by. Each month may be harder or easier depending on other circumstances in life. I feel as though I've had some emotional breakthroughs and may be starting to understand myself, my reactions, and my weaknesses just a little bit better.

We've heard of so many friends and former friends getting pregnant recently. All the pregnancies happened very, very easily for each woman. It is hard not to feel jealousy, judgement, bitterness, anger, or hurt. I accept those emotions as they come, but the trick is to not dwell on those emotions.

I recently read a great chapter in Joyce Meyer's book, Do Yourself a Favor... Forgive. A section of the chapter was titled: Are you angry at God?

*raises hand*

Yes, I am angry at God. I am angry that He has not blessed me in the way I've been desiring since I was 6 years old and all I wanted to be when I grew up was a "mommy." I am angry He gives this blessing to others and leaves my arms empty. I am angry at myself that I am angry at God. I am angry that some days I feel that I can't move past the anger or pray about anything other than myself and this desire to become a mother. Ugh! Why am I so selfish? Who am I to think I have the right or ability to tell God what to do??!! Who am I to decide who else "deserves" a baby or not?

But back to the chapter. Joyce Meyer writes this about giving up our need to understand, rationalize, justify, or know WHY to the hard questions of life (why bad things happen to good people, why there is war or strife or injustice):

"We can know His [God's] character and put our trust in His faithfulness to always be with us, but we cannot understand everything God does, or does not do. Faith means that we believe in what we cannot see and often cannot understand. We have faith while we wait for the unveiling of these mysteries, and if we are honest, we realize that some of these answers may not come to us as long as we are here on this earth. God asks us to trust Him, and there is no need for trust if we have no unanswered questions. Before we can be content in life we must be comfortable "not knowing." "

Be comfortable not knowing??? What a genius, freeing idea! Just in the hours since reading that line, I have felt such a lightness and comfort. I feel more secure. I tell God that I trust Him. I tell God that I relinquish my desire to know and understand why.

It's amazing how refreshing this feeling is. Giving up my desire to understand and question God why... it's a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day battle. But I won't give up. I want to embrace the joys I DO have during this time in my life. I want to give myself permission to be comfortable not knowing the answers of why or when or who. I want to be comfortable just being.

Trusting the "Man of Sorrows"

Trust.

The word sounds so easy. Trust someone else to not let you down. Then, naturally, they let you down. They are human and you probably had unrealistic expectations for them. So, if people always let you dow, who CAN you trust? I'm writing not just about trust between friends, between spouses, or even co-workers. I'm writing about trusting Someone with your deepest fears, hopes, dreams, desires, and ugliest thoughts and behaviors. If you're anything like me, you may have struggled with the thought "If that person knew the real me, they wouldn't love me anymore" or any similar version of that phrase. I struggle with that thought constantly in all areas of my life because of the abandonment I experienced early in life. However, God can redeem those thoughts and fears!!!!

Trust.

It's what I've been struggling with the most this month. Trusting God to hear my prayers. To answer my prayers. To work out some uncomfortable, awkward, undesirable situations. To solve my problems. To grant my deepest desires. The good news? God answered with this: "Not yet." God did not solve any of my problems. God did not provide any outlets or answers. God did not allow any promises to be fulfilled.

Just when I was about to despair, my daily devotion led me to Isaiah 53:1-6. This is one Old Testament prophecy of the Messiah who would redeem the Israelites and free them from the old laws and sacrifices to atone for sins. The Messiah would be the final sacrifice - atoning for all sins for all people for all time.

But the verse that struck me, and the theme of the devotion, was Isaiah 53: 4a that states, "Surely he took up our infirmities (sins, transgressions) and carried our sorrows." What this means is that Jesus as the Messiah lived a fully human life, experiencing every temptation and grief that we experience today. He had parents, siblings, friends, and co-workers. He experienced temptations to be disappointed in others, have arguments with others, and experience grief when he lost a friendship or a family member. You name it, Jesus has experienced it as a human. So Isaiah 53:4a tells me that Jesus, fully human and fully God, has known my sorrows. My deepest, darkest, intensely personal sorrows. So, why do I hesitate to give over or lay down my sorrows to Him? Why do I (and maybe you, reader) continue to wrap myself in my sorrows and disappointments instead of letting Jesus carry them for me?

William Paul Young, author of The Shack, phrases it well: The Holy Spirit tells Mack -

"You must give up your right to decide what is good and evil on your own terms. That is a hard pill to swallow- choosing to live only in me. To do that, you must know me enough to trust me and learn to rest in my inherent goodness." (italics added)

Whoa. Mind blown! I don't trust God with some things (my sorrows, my hurts over infertility, my evil thoughts of jealousy and "why is life unfair?"), so that.... that must mean... I don't know God!

It means I don't know God as fully and honestly as I desire to and the way God desires for me to know Him/Her/Them. Armed with the conviction that my lack of trust probably stems from a lack of intimate knowledge of God, I know where to start. I want to get to know this Man of Sorrows as someone who knows my heartache but who is also inherently good and working for my good.

In The Shack, God the Father tells Mack -

"Mack, just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I needed it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."

I thought that was a great reminder that God does not cause the bad things that happen on the earth, but God can certainly redeem the situation (and us) through grace. God is NOT sitting in heaven plotting suffering for us like an evil game master. No. God is present in our hearts and waiting for us to let grace redeem our situations and work good out of the tragedies caused by our own sin and choices and unfortunate earthly circumstances.

My desire is to know this God better so that I may trust Him completely and fully. I'm sure it will take work just as any relationship takes work. But I'm willing to do the work knowing that this God, this Man of Sorrows, has already done the hardest, most important part of the work for me - sacrificing Himself to grant me entrance into His grace and glory!!