Wow. It's February 2014. My thirtieth birthday is quickly approaching. The last few weeks, I've been facing the emotions and thoughts that come along with any milestone birthday for me:
Who am I?
Who do I want to be?
Where do I want to go in life?
etc.
The main question I am struggling with these days is, "Do I like myself?" As in, do I truly like and love myself? Me. The whole package. The flaws. The imperfections. Sense of humor. Looks. Personality.
Barren.
Oh. That. Word. It tears at the deepest part of me. My soul's desire and longing. My deepest wish and highest goal. Barren. It means I haven't achieved my goal. My deepest wish is unfulfilled. My heart continues to long for what it does not have... may never have.
My birthday brings up our loss in September at 4 weeks, 5 days. I knew I was a mother for 7 days. I knew in my heart that my child grew in my womb. I knew the day the bleeding started that my child had already gone to be with Jesus. Some people call this a "chemical pregnancy." I know it to be a miscarriage. My child was conceived, but I could not keep him or her within me. I feel the loss more keenly at holidays and milestones. I feel the loss like a cold wind hitting my face every time a friend talks about her baby, sends me a photo of a baby, or makes a comment about how tired they are from chasing a toddler.
What I wouldn't give to have those moments! To hold my baby in my arms... just ONCE. To have looked upon his/her face and told her how much she was wanted, loved, prayed for, cried out to God for. What I wouldn't give to feel his heavy warmth in my arms and his little head on my chest. What I wouldn't give to be sleep deprived, physically exhausted, and emotionally drained from loving this little person so much.
Alas, I did not get that moment with my precious little one. Instead, I face the milestone of turning 30 as a woman left out to drift in a cold, lonely world of infertility, with only my husband and my God to keep me anchored.
And now, I am at a crossroads. Do I keep trying for another miracle when my husband is exhausted from the infertility journey and of watching my heart break month after month? Do I explore the adoption we cannot afford? Do I deny my heart's desire and give up on a God who has seemed to given up on me? Do I keep crying out to God and pushing for my miracle and walk in faith? Do I let this infertility define me? Do I let my loss become a talisman around my neck to weigh me down?
I don't know the answers to these questions. I don't know on which side of the coin I will fall. I know that turning 30 means my husband and I have reached a time limit we set for ourselves to "try" to become parents. Is now the time to move on? Will I regret any decision I make?
So many questions! So much time has passed, so much time lies ahead. This milestone of my 30th year approaches quickly, with yet another monthly reminder of my failures/heartbreak/tears.
Holy Father, may my words and the silent cries of my heart and the tears falling on my hands clasped in prayer, be my prayer to you. Holy Spirit, intercede for me as the groanings of my heart have no words. Lord Jesus, please don't give up on me. I am doing my best to not give up on You. Have mercy upon me. Let Your grace sustain me. Please bless my body, my womb, my marriage, my doctors. Please hold my little one safe in your arms and tell her/him that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. Amen.
